Nobody brought you a plate...
On Mother’s Day hangovers, metabolic safety & why your nervous system can’t "rest & digest" on a body full of secrets...
I spent the last week checking in with my friends…in particular, the ones who are moms….because, well, the post-Mother's Day check-in is a necessity these days.
And honestly? What they replied with wasn’t a regurgitation of the soft-lit-matching-outfit-brunch photos that were all over socials. Nah, these texts were filled with the unpolished, unedited reality of the day. For most, the day came and mostly went like any other Sunday, except possibly with the addition of flowers on the counter from a last-minute grocery run and maybe a card the kids were semi-forced to sign. Beyond that, nothing seemed to change from the normal…because, well…lunch still needed to happen, someone still needed to be at some sports practice somewhere, and the ship still needed someone to sail it. These moms… even still, were the ones to do all of that, the ones who continued orchestrating life as they always had.
A lot of them said some version of the same thing: I don’t even know why I expected anything different.
The sentiment…the exhaustion…their thinly-veiled disappointment lingered with me. Beyond the reality of unmet expectations, it all tells me how these women are currently living their lives. Braced…already adjusting…already accounting for the gap between what they need and what they’re going to get…and as women, we are all burying it deep down so we can JUST KEEP MOVING.
Come to find out…that gap has a name…it’s actually a real thing scientists study, called allostatic load. And despite our best efforts to hide it and forget it, our bodies have actually been keeping a running tab on it all, for years.
This week I’ve been thinking a lot about nervous systems and regulation. My therapist and I have been working on my awareness of my own body…what it’s feeling, where it’s feeling it, and how to release & regulate in a healthy way (instead of slamming doors or screaming the way I might be tempted to in my moments of disregulation).
I want to share a little of what I’m learning, but what I’m NOT going to do…I will NOT tell you to do more.
I will avoid suggesting a supplement or a morning routine or a thirty-day reset or anything that requires time and money that we don’t have…or anything that adds one more thing to the list of ways we’re apparently already falling short.
Let’s be honest, friends…in this economy, the grocery store receipt is its own catalyst of trauma. If the ‘healing food’ you’re being compelled or encouraged to buy makes your stomach knot up when the grand total pops up on the screen, it’s not actually healing you, is it?! It’s just another bill your nervous system, and your budget (does anyone really even follow a budget anymore?!) have to figure out how to pay.
Most wellness content is honestly just the same stress, but this time, it’s wearing a pretty linen cross-back apron with beautiful, freshly picked flowers and nicely curated vignettes of food on the countertop. And…I just…cannot. My countertops currently have last week’s tupperware that never made it into the cabinet, along with various water bottles, a stack of bills “that I’ll get to later,” and a remote that goes to something….somewhere. That’s my vignette:)
I’ve been learning about nervous system regulation these days…not because I have this newfound curiosity…but more out of the very real-life necessity to “get my shit together so that I don’t have a mental breakdown under the weight of all the plates I’m juggling...and freak out on all the people in my orbit.” Anyone else??
I want to know what’s actually happening in my body…in our bodies…when we’re running the way most of us are running. What’s the real reason our jaws won’t unclench, or why doesn’t sleep actually seem to restore us these days, or why is the blankety-blank fridge full of expired good intentions AGAIN? You know the ones…the kale you were definitely going to use or the yogurt that’s now taken on a furry layer of the latest science experiment…all those things, coupled with the sheer exhaustion and guilt we feel as we stand in front of that very refrigerator at the end of the day…feeling vaguely (sometimes loudly) accused by everything in it.
That fridge isn’t evidence of our failures…it’s actually evidence that our nervous systems have been on high alert for so long they can barely remember what it feels like to not be. Fight or flight, baby.
Here’s the science part, real quick. Our nervous systems run on two gears…one is the gas pedal (the sympathetic branch): the part that handles stress, threat, urgency, the thing that needs to happen right now. It’s the one that’s got our heart rate up, muscles ready, brain scanning for problems.
The other is the brakes (the parasympathetic branch): rest, digestion, repair, the part of you that can actually receive nourishment and process it and use it to restore something. A healthy system moves fluidly between the two…but the reality is…most of us, right now, are stuck…stuck in first gear.
It’s not because we are weak or failing at life…it’s that we’ve been pedaling for a long time without any opportunity to stop.
The wellness space seems to avoid these realities and instead wants to reduce it all down to the beautiful one-pill fixes or the golden elixir that heals all, for the low price of $300 per bottle. What the actual what?!
We simply cannot out-supplement a nervous system that doesn’t feel safe. We cannot green-juice our way out of a body that thinks it’s still in the middle of an emotional war zone. The $80 adaptogen powder does NOT know that we’re the ones still keeping the whole operation running. But…our bodies do…our bodies know it ALL. It sees us holding on, staying alert, craving whatever can deliver the fastest hit of energy or relief… especially in the moments we cannot afford to slow down.
And, the safety our bodies are actually starving for? It’s called metabolic safety…and I want it. I’m wondering…is there a correlation between how food…especially when eaten at a table…and in a body that finally feels unwatched…can be one of the most direct paths to nervous system regulation.
That craving for sugar at 3 pm isn’t weakness…the quick grab for salty potato chips isn’t necessarily a junk food addiction, either. The fact that salmon sounded good at the grocery store, and now it’s Thursday, and it’s dying a slow death in your fridge while you’re eating a bowl of cereal over the sink. Are these all character flaws or signs of our weak-wills at work? I think the answer is no. I think, in fact, that these are actually the very REAL signs of our bodies making triage decisions with whatever they can. When our nervous systems are stuck on the gas pedal…on high alert, our brains are burning through glucose like a house on fire. Our nervous systems aren’t looking for salads; they’re looking for survival. They want the sugar because it’s the fastest way to keep the lights on for another hour.
Knowing these things doesn't fix the issues overnight…
but it does change where we're starting from.
As I’ve been learning about my own nervous system, I’ve been paying more attention to the actual signals my body is sending. I’ve taken note of what’s going on inside when I reach for that handful of jelly beans around 11:30 am, or that bowl of BBQ potato chips at 3 pm (I LOVE chips. The end.)…or why I need that bowl of cereal at 10pm. What is it about those times of the day? What’s my body going through? My nervous system apparently was feeling something or trying to tell me something an hour earlier, but I ignored it, and by those times, it’s done trying to give me signs…it’s straight up fatigued and reaching for those quick fixes.
Being a chef, I obviously have a love-love-love relationship with food. Food is fuel, food is healing, food is nourishment and medicine, food is JOY for me. I’ve cooked in so many different rooms and spaces…homes, restaurant kitchens, corporate kitchens, private spaces, catering events, etc.
I’ve witnessed what food can do…the nourishment, the way it pulls people together, what it builds. And at the same time, I’ve also seen what it can do in a room where something warm, made with care and intention, is eaten while sitting around a table. I’ve watched what that kind of meal can actually do to change the temperature of a body…where it lands in the body, the way a deep exhale does.
I used to think that was just good cooking. But the more I’m learning, the more I’m discovering that there’s actual science behind it as well. Long before I even knew what the vagus nerve was, I knew the sound of those tables finally breathing. I knew that the smell of onions browning in butter does something to a clenched jaw that a pill simply cannot.
Come learn with me as I start exploring how important food actually is for our nervous systems. This isn’t the wellness angle, folks…it’s the one that belongs in the kitchen.
What can we eat when nothing sounds good? Or how the humble, ‘poor people’ food our grandmothers made…the pot of lentils, the slow-cooked greens, the starches that stick to your ribs…how those might just be the original nervous system medicine. Why is it that our bodies want what they want at different times of the month and what to do about it…maybe in ways that don’t require hiring a nutritionist, paying $10k to attend a wellness retreat that literally boasts eating meals around a table and offering you free time to read a book by a pool…or by becoming an investor in the latest bottle of liquid gold collagen.
Let’s figure out how a bowl of lentils cooked right might just do more for our stress responses than most things being sold as quick-fix solutions…or maybe how just sitting down to eat, even for ten minutes, is one of the cheapest and most underused tools any of us has.
The table is life-giving infrastructure. I’m diving in and hope you’ll join me over the next few weeks as we figure out why feeding ourselves well is not indulgence…it’s the foundation, the literal thing that makes everything else possible.
Next week, I’m going to tackle the fridge…mine and yours. You know the one…the one filled with good intentions and guilt. Let’s talk about what’s actually worth keeping, what to cook when you have nothing, and what your body needs right now, in this specific season, more than anything trending on TikTok.
For today, I’ll just say this: whatever your Sunday looked like last week or today… whatever got left undone or unrecognized or half-finished, your body was there for all of it. She was taking notes…doing the work…and honestly, she deserves better than that bowl of cereal over the sink.
Nobody brought you a plate…not on Mother’s Day, not on the average Tuesday, not at the end of the longest week. So this is me, saying…let’s figure out how to bring one to ourselves…and to each other.
Let’s figure out how to move on to second gear.
xoxo,
Jess
I loved this: We simply cannot out-supplement a nervous system that doesn’t feel safe. We cannot green-juice our way out of a body that thinks it’s still in the middle of an emotional war zone.
You are right it’s so important to understand your nervous system first.
This is fantastic! I can't wait to read more of what you write... I can relate to so much of it, although I'm not a chef, I'm a professor (and a counselor) who's going through my own transitions with two young teenagers. So, solidarity, mama. I can't wait to learn from (and with?) you!