Wow, so much of this really hits. I’ve spent my life making myself smaller, making excuses, the “buts”, justifying, sweeping aside compliments instead of just accepting them, second guessing myself, not having a sense of agency. I could keep going. Thank you for this and for all of your writing. It always hits me right in the heart. 🩷
This really resonated.... I spent years introducing myself with an excuse, or explanation and it only stopped when I found a job which I was really proud to have. It feels like it's a true representation of me, I think that's why. Despite that, I'm considering my future and feel like life has a third or fourth part which looks different. And already I'm finding myself diminishing it when I tell others about it.
I thought that maybe meant it wasn't the right thing for me, but you've reminded me that we make choices for many different reasons. When we decide something significant like a change of job or career path, we're taking lots of things into account and land in the best place for us, with everything taken into account. Just cos we assume society measures us by our jobs, it doesn't mean we should - or that, in reality, other people are. Thank you for reminding me of that.
Hi! I’m so so glad it resonated and love your insight to it as well, life does for sure takes us in directions and places we might not feel ready for or even prepared for…but the other thing I always tell myself (remind myself of) is that WE CAN DO HARD THINGS.
I think whatever we are doing…doing it as the realest version of ourselves is the only way to make it through without all that guilt and shame as second-guessing 💕
This essay is EVERYTHING Jess, I absolutely love it. Almost everything resonated exactly despite being in a totally different industry and totally different spaces. I love how you put into words the anxiety of just “being yourself”.
Your story about work also just gets me. I absolutely hate that women are treated as if they either “can hack it” or can’t. You’re either up for a demanding career or you aren’t. Life ebbs and flows and honoring a change in pace for a period of time does not detract from someone’s skill, passion, capability, or worth in that field. I hope more women can read this and see this is true about themselves too. Thank you for sharing this!
Thank you, my friend!! It’s so true…it’s so ridiculous we have to choose and be one or the other or considered “not as great” if you try to do both…they…the royal THEY don’t make it easy…or hell, THEY don’t even make it possible in most cases 🤦♀️🤷♀️
Whew... This made me feel things. I unfortunately quit working In January of 2024 after my mom passed away in September of 2023. Basically my mental health was shit. Now, I am more than unhappy and not proud of myself for it bc I lost my financial independence in this. I am trying to be more gentle with myself bc I know I did it bc I needed to. But now life has thrown me tons of lemons and I really like lemonade, yes, but these lemons are all rotten. So, getting back on my feet in almost impossible right now and there are reasons behind it. I just recall myself saying, "but." Anytime I explain why I stopped working... "I quit working due to my mental health BUT I shouldn't have." Like, okay... bc yes I could have continued working in a mental shut down? I think not. But, I say it anyway.
I love the way you write and I think that being a private chef is pretty bad ass.
Giiiirrrrrl yes I feel you — I keep reminding myself…esp in those moments of overwhelming grief and loss, we can only do the best we can with the information and resources we have…I take for granted and forget the gift of hindsight and seeing things clearly/differently/etc on the other side of those times…but I remember sitting on the floor of my apt after I moved out from my marriage (of 17yrs) and an ex that was hellbent on making me feel the weight of my decision to “become a chef” by only allowing me to see my kid 2 days a week…I did the best with what I could and what I had for almost a full year before another woman who went through similar circumstances said NO…you don’t have to do it that way…and I lawyered up and fought for an equal split 💪 I tried to make it all happen…the single mother life, the chef life, and to grieve but I was doing none of it very well…looking back I see my desperation and heartache when I had to choose to leave the restaurant, I felt devastated but the feeling I had and the distance I felt from my kid almost cracked me in two…
So this woman today who is making excuses and feeling embarrassed about that decision…well, she needs to grab a coffee with the version of me that went through it and remember that and at the end of the day, there was really no choice at all…it was for my girl and time with her is worth it 💕
Wow, so much of this really hits. I’ve spent my life making myself smaller, making excuses, the “buts”, justifying, sweeping aside compliments instead of just accepting them, second guessing myself, not having a sense of agency. I could keep going. Thank you for this and for all of your writing. It always hits me right in the heart. 🩷
I’m so so glad - it always helps to know I’m not alone 😘 sending love to you!!! Always!!
Love this. "What do you do?" Such a loaded question for women, specifically. Great read Jess!
Thank you!! Such a loaded question with an even more loaded answer 🤦♀️
It ALWAYS is... loaded.
This really resonated.... I spent years introducing myself with an excuse, or explanation and it only stopped when I found a job which I was really proud to have. It feels like it's a true representation of me, I think that's why. Despite that, I'm considering my future and feel like life has a third or fourth part which looks different. And already I'm finding myself diminishing it when I tell others about it.
I thought that maybe meant it wasn't the right thing for me, but you've reminded me that we make choices for many different reasons. When we decide something significant like a change of job or career path, we're taking lots of things into account and land in the best place for us, with everything taken into account. Just cos we assume society measures us by our jobs, it doesn't mean we should - or that, in reality, other people are. Thank you for reminding me of that.
Hi! I’m so so glad it resonated and love your insight to it as well, life does for sure takes us in directions and places we might not feel ready for or even prepared for…but the other thing I always tell myself (remind myself of) is that WE CAN DO HARD THINGS.
I think whatever we are doing…doing it as the realest version of ourselves is the only way to make it through without all that guilt and shame as second-guessing 💕
I completely agree with that - and to you reminding yourself that we can do hard things. This has really helped me in the past, too.
That authenticity and real-ness feels more important to me than ever and I agree, that's what should guide us ☺️
This essay is EVERYTHING Jess, I absolutely love it. Almost everything resonated exactly despite being in a totally different industry and totally different spaces. I love how you put into words the anxiety of just “being yourself”.
Your story about work also just gets me. I absolutely hate that women are treated as if they either “can hack it” or can’t. You’re either up for a demanding career or you aren’t. Life ebbs and flows and honoring a change in pace for a period of time does not detract from someone’s skill, passion, capability, or worth in that field. I hope more women can read this and see this is true about themselves too. Thank you for sharing this!
Thank you, my friend!! It’s so true…it’s so ridiculous we have to choose and be one or the other or considered “not as great” if you try to do both…they…the royal THEY don’t make it easy…or hell, THEY don’t even make it possible in most cases 🤦♀️🤷♀️
Whew... This made me feel things. I unfortunately quit working In January of 2024 after my mom passed away in September of 2023. Basically my mental health was shit. Now, I am more than unhappy and not proud of myself for it bc I lost my financial independence in this. I am trying to be more gentle with myself bc I know I did it bc I needed to. But now life has thrown me tons of lemons and I really like lemonade, yes, but these lemons are all rotten. So, getting back on my feet in almost impossible right now and there are reasons behind it. I just recall myself saying, "but." Anytime I explain why I stopped working... "I quit working due to my mental health BUT I shouldn't have." Like, okay... bc yes I could have continued working in a mental shut down? I think not. But, I say it anyway.
I love the way you write and I think that being a private chef is pretty bad ass.
Giiiirrrrrl yes I feel you — I keep reminding myself…esp in those moments of overwhelming grief and loss, we can only do the best we can with the information and resources we have…I take for granted and forget the gift of hindsight and seeing things clearly/differently/etc on the other side of those times…but I remember sitting on the floor of my apt after I moved out from my marriage (of 17yrs) and an ex that was hellbent on making me feel the weight of my decision to “become a chef” by only allowing me to see my kid 2 days a week…I did the best with what I could and what I had for almost a full year before another woman who went through similar circumstances said NO…you don’t have to do it that way…and I lawyered up and fought for an equal split 💪 I tried to make it all happen…the single mother life, the chef life, and to grieve but I was doing none of it very well…looking back I see my desperation and heartache when I had to choose to leave the restaurant, I felt devastated but the feeling I had and the distance I felt from my kid almost cracked me in two…
So this woman today who is making excuses and feeling embarrassed about that decision…well, she needs to grab a coffee with the version of me that went through it and remember that and at the end of the day, there was really no choice at all…it was for my girl and time with her is worth it 💕
So well written